There's one word to describe both Barack Obama's consideration of Hillary Clinton for secretary of state and flash dancers at the Luxor: gimmicky.

The president-elect is hard-pressed these days to find a good, diverse mix of people for his round table while being loyal to the many diverse groups that propelled his candidacy. Should he choose black people? Gay people? Labor supporters? College students playing Halo 3 all day?

Then there's ex-First Lady and glass-ceiling-skimmer Hillary Clinton, whom the world has decided would be a great secretary of state, presumably because of those dangerous sniper-fire-dodging missions to Bosnia. But is she the most qualified? I can think of a few people who carry more weight ... and less baggage.

1. Carmen Sandiego

Talk about street cred. Carmen Sandiego has more foreign-policy experience than Bill Richardson has facial hair. The international thief once stopped off in 15 countries in a single day after stealing a precious piece of artwork from the Louvre. She can name every country's capital, leader and probably the security codes for their garages.

Plus, she's practically impossible for the press to catch if she's ever in a bind. I once tried to chase her down for four hours, only to find myself dehydrated in Cairo with a red-herring clue I found in Addis Ababa.

Of course, with Sandiego comes her drooling entourage of bumbling henchmen. But there you save on Secret Service costs.

2. James Bond
Obviously. And I don't mean any of this gallivanting Daniel Craig business knocking out bad guys and betting millions of dollars at casinos. I'm talking classy, buy-you-a-drink-and-tell-me-your-secrets Roger Moore.

How many times does the president run into a situation in which the only way to stop nuclear meltdown is to dispatch a suave double-agent to a Western European country and assassinate an organized crime boss? Secretary of State Bond does this every day after breakfast.

In fact, I'd even consider him for Supreme Court justice, on the basis that his confirmation hearings would be a cinch.

3. Fred Thompson

My friends tell me Fred Thompson is in fact a real person; I find this hard to believe, because I've been watching lots of episodes of Law & Order recently, and he's all over them. And he's great – always has the perfect solution for every legal problem imaginable.

That's my point, though – the fictional Fred Thompson would be a much better secretary of state than the actual Fred Thompson, who got fewer votes in the Republican primary than Dennis Kucinich did in the Republican primary.

4. Droopy Dog

This one's kind of a dark-horse nominee. On the exterior, Droopy Dog seems lethargic, passive and uninteresting – not exactly qualities we've seen in secretaries of state, save for Henry Kissinger. But Droopy always outwitted his enemies and always came out on top.

Droopy's other strength comes in, well, his enormous strength. Granted, Hillary Clinton is a pretty ferocious negotiator - she's a fighter, and she doesn't quit. Well Droopy can lift 100 times his own body weight - he has thrown over his own head a villain, a bull and a dragon.

And at least he doesn't come with a quagmire of a husband.