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Alien Abductee Speaks Out

JJ Colao

Posted: Aug 8th 2008 3:25PM

Filed under: Featured Stories, Science, Odd News, Fiction



When the tractor beam rudely snatched me from a pleasant slumber, it only took me a startling second to realize what was happening. At that point, the thought that kept reverberating through my brain was, "If they try any of that anal probe nonsense, I'll freaking kill them." Ha. Thinking back, I can't help but chuckle at the ignorance of my presumptions.

For one, did I actually think myself capable of harming the creatures in possession of technology which was presently lifting me out of my bed and into their spacecraft without so much as a whisper, let alone a broken window? And as Creblon remarked when I told him/her of my initial fears, "Why the hell would we even want to do that? I mean think about it. God, you male humans and your homoerotic paranoias."So with misunderstandings clarified, we had a good laugh, drank a couple of their local microbrews and ended the trip back at the time it began so I could still catch some sleep before the morning. Nice guys, those aliens. Lightweights, but nice guys nonetheless.

The only problem was telling people about my experience afterwards. Creblon was right, if it wasn't outright pity for my delusions, it was an endless succession of mostly unfunny anal probe jokes. Thankfully though, a recent string of alien related news has given me reason to hope for a more mature public understanding of my interstellar drinking buddies.

First, there's Edgar Mitchell, the sixth man on the moon, telling media outlets left and right that the Roswell incident was real, aliens come here all the time, and several government officials in the know let him in on it, on account of him going to the moon and whatnot. This guy is the man.

Then there was Nick Pope's New York Times op-ed piece on July 29th urging the U.S. government and aviation officials to take UFO sightings more seriously, if not out of sheer curiosity then at least for the sake of national security. Because what if those things aren't alien spacecraft but actually secret new Chinese/Russian/Iranian flying discs capable of breaching U.S. airspace at whim and delivering a devastating payload of General Tsao's chicken/ Stolichnaya/ kebabs in the heartland of America? Obviously we'd be screwed.

And finally, NASA officials announced last week, that yes, by Jove, there is water on Mars, making the notion of life on the planet, past or present, much more feasible. The movie Mars Attacks remains no less absurd, however.

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